Jerry L. Johnson is my adoptive father. Below are attached pictures & stories I have written about him and for him since he passed in early November 2013, 18 days before my 14th birthday.
About his passing:
I’m sure you are all well aware that my father passed away. He was 78 on the night he passed away. He’d been sick lately, not eating and just looking horrible, but we couldn’t take him to the hospital (though there was one right down the road from us) because he’d always been very independent and never wanted to ask for help. Plus he hated hospitals, he knew if he went there that there’d put him into a nursing home and that was the LAST place he wanted to go. Furthermore, he knew he’d be nothing but what they call a “vegetable” to a hospital because he had been sick his whole life (I’ve known him since his mid-60’s, he was my adoptive father) with severe COPD because he smoked when he was younger. He’d been on oxygen and special meds and all that for the last 40 years. The prognosis his doctor gave him as how long he had left to live? He outlived it by about 5 or 6 years, which is incredibly great for the condition he was in. Anyways, the day he died, my mom and I had been gone all day riding horses. I now regret that every damn day of my life, that I wasn’t there when he needed me. When we got home that night, I could tell he wasn’t himself – I could tell he must’ve had a stroke while we were gone all day. Anyways, my mom made him a bowl of ice cream and hopped in the shower when we got home. When she got out of the showers some 40 minutes later, my father still hadn’t moved out of his chair in the living room, where he’d spent most of his time lately. My mom reminded him his ice cream was on the table and he got up and sat at the table, though I could tell from watching him that everything was a struggle. I didn’t want to breakdown crying in front of him because it broke my heart that much, just watching him. I knew then, in the pit of my stomach, he was going to die that night. I’d never seen him that bad before. I just knew. Anyways, I went in my room. Minutes later, I had to go out to the table to get something. As I walked by, I locked eyes with my father. I could tell he never wanted me to see him like that, helpless. It hurt me so much. I wanted to cry and help him but I couldn’t. I had to stay strong, for him. - Later that night, I went to sleep. I’d decided to steal an old shirt of my dad’s to tuck under my pillow that night to keep his scent with me. I heard my mom finally turn the TV and tell my dad she was going to bed. Now, my father has NEVER asked for help his entire life, he was always independent like that. But, that night, my mom helped him with his pills and getting them down. At one point, his last few moments of life, he agreed to let us call his son the next day (his son is a doctor, we’d been trying to get my dad to call Jeff for a long time at this point). My mom helped my dad over to the edge of the bed (I know all this because I was watching from the doorway) and she laid him back against his pillows. His eyes fixated then and she knew he was gone. I started crying immediately and ran over to see him. I couldn’t stop crying (just like I’m crying while I write this). I called 911 and we had to get my dad off the bed to try CPR but we knew he was gone already. Medics arrived at our home and everything else was a blur. I don’t remember what happened at the hospital except holding my father’s limp, cold hand as the doctor told us what happened. I was still crying, the tears were uncontrollable. I couldn’t do anything, I felt numb to the world, nothing mattered but crying. We got home at around 3 AM from the hospital and my mom went back to bed but I could hear whimpers of her crying as a I was up all night. All I did that night was pace my room, cry, and get angry and listen to “Breathe” over and over and over. That night will go down in history as the absolute worst night of my life. I can’t fathom anything worse than watching your father, the man who saved your life by walking in your room when you’re about to commit, die in front of your eyes and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it. NOTHING. My dad was my role model. Sure, he was too old to do any normal father things like play catch but every memory of him is nothing but good times and childish play. I only wish he’d known how much I appreciated and loved him. - - I’m sorry if I’m making you guys cry, I’m crying too now. Sorry.
November 2nd, 2016
I know I've already said it all over the three years he's been gone, but allow me to say it again.
I truly wish that everyone has the chance to know someone as kind, thoughtful, intelligent, truthful, and caring as my father was. A once in a lifetime kind of man who made the lives of everyone around him a little bit better. A man who could give you a story about almost anything and one who could cure any doubts, disappointments, or sadness you had towards yourself with one of his underrated, infamous quotes. A man who I desperately wish was here again because I would give my own life just to see him again and, especially, just to hug him again.
As the years go onward without him, I can only wish to make him proud by being the woman he wanted me to become.
I will never stop waking up in the morning and feeling a deep ache inside of me when I see he's not at the kitchen table with his newspaper. I will never stop feeling empty and incomplete when, at the end of the day, he's not there to tuck me in at night and tell me he loves me. I will never not miss reading the Sunday newspaper's cartoons with him or pestering him to read me just one more book or tell me just one more story. I will never forget the way one of his hugs could cure anything bad you had within you and fill you wish pure love and affection. I will never forget the way I used to always measure my height against his.
I will never stop measuring myself up to him because he is my hero and my inspiration in life. I will never stop trying to make myself better for the sake of impressing him.
On this three year anniversary, I can only know he's happy where he is, but I wish he knew I'd be happier if he were here with me.
Forever and always, his memory will live within those of us who had the opportunity to love him during his lifetime.
I can only hope he knows how much he's made me a better person and how much I completely adored him as a child and even more now.
You never know how good you have it until it's gone. I never knew how amazing my father was until he was gone and that's the true tragedy of it all.
I truly wish that everyone has the chance to know someone as kind, thoughtful, intelligent, truthful, and caring as my father was. A once in a lifetime kind of man who made the lives of everyone around him a little bit better. A man who could give you a story about almost anything and one who could cure any doubts, disappointments, or sadness you had towards yourself with one of his underrated, infamous quotes. A man who I desperately wish was here again because I would give my own life just to see him again and, especially, just to hug him again.
As the years go onward without him, I can only wish to make him proud by being the woman he wanted me to become.
I will never stop waking up in the morning and feeling a deep ache inside of me when I see he's not at the kitchen table with his newspaper. I will never stop feeling empty and incomplete when, at the end of the day, he's not there to tuck me in at night and tell me he loves me. I will never not miss reading the Sunday newspaper's cartoons with him or pestering him to read me just one more book or tell me just one more story. I will never forget the way one of his hugs could cure anything bad you had within you and fill you wish pure love and affection. I will never forget the way I used to always measure my height against his.
I will never stop measuring myself up to him because he is my hero and my inspiration in life. I will never stop trying to make myself better for the sake of impressing him.
On this three year anniversary, I can only know he's happy where he is, but I wish he knew I'd be happier if he were here with me.
Forever and always, his memory will live within those of us who had the opportunity to love him during his lifetime.
I can only hope he knows how much he's made me a better person and how much I completely adored him as a child and even more now.
You never know how good you have it until it's gone. I never knew how amazing my father was until he was gone and that's the true tragedy of it all.
November 2nd, 2014
A year ago today, I watched my father take his last breath at midnight. I have found throughout my life that time will heal most any wound, or at least numb them. But wounds like this, I believe they don't ever completely scar over, or heal. They take extensive time to start to even feel okay. Throughout a year without my father, I find myself taking to the lessons he tried to teach me more and more. I find myself seeing little things throughout the day that remind me of him, things I would not see if he was still here.
I've said almost everything I can about my father in the past year, but I've found some other quotes that might say it even better than I could.
"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of everyday, the slow walk toward a better life.
That is the sort of bravery I must have now."
"Some of the most powerful memories I have, have dulled with time, as memories do, and they no longer sting like they used to. Sometimes I actually enjoy going over them in my mind, though not often."
I know that our loss still hurts, it still burns.
Often times, I cry myself to sleep, missing the memories of my father tucking me in, his laugh, and his smile.
But there are also the days I feel like I could be okay, where I might see the better part of life. Those are the days I wish every day could be, where I don't grieve anymore, but I am happy for the life my father lived and I see that he did not leave us, he went on to do special things with God.
After all, God picks his best angels to do his most special tasks, right?
Though we still may not understand why Jerry left at the time he did, let's spend the next year rejoicing in the life he had. How happy he was to live with the simple things in life.
We'll see you again, Jerry, when the time is right. Until then, we love you with all of our hearts.
I've said almost everything I can about my father in the past year, but I've found some other quotes that might say it even better than I could.
"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of everyday, the slow walk toward a better life.
That is the sort of bravery I must have now."
"Some of the most powerful memories I have, have dulled with time, as memories do, and they no longer sting like they used to. Sometimes I actually enjoy going over them in my mind, though not often."
I know that our loss still hurts, it still burns.
Often times, I cry myself to sleep, missing the memories of my father tucking me in, his laugh, and his smile.
But there are also the days I feel like I could be okay, where I might see the better part of life. Those are the days I wish every day could be, where I don't grieve anymore, but I am happy for the life my father lived and I see that he did not leave us, he went on to do special things with God.
After all, God picks his best angels to do his most special tasks, right?
Though we still may not understand why Jerry left at the time he did, let's spend the next year rejoicing in the life he had. How happy he was to live with the simple things in life.
We'll see you again, Jerry, when the time is right. Until then, we love you with all of our hearts.
August 14th, 2016
a very happy birthday to the man who taught me to be who I am and always stand up for what I believe in; to the man who taught me to believe in myself and to follow any dream, no matter how small or big it may seem; to be respectful, caring, and kind to any other being I come across, whether human or animal; and to share my stories, my laughter, and my smiles with others because the art of story-telling is one most have forgotten. all these lessons, and many more, are the ones I carry with me in all the days since his death and the rest of the days, forever. though I may slip up, as we all do, I can only hope I make you proud, Jerry.